2018 has brought a long overdue awakening of holiday songs that have oppressed and offended people for decades.  Radio stations’ courageous banishment of the outrageous “Baby It’s Cold Outside” inspired us to make a difference.

We at the government’s Department of Offensive Holiday Lyrics and Traditions (DOHLT) initiated a broader survey of seasonal music.

Our findings are shocking.

Here are just a few you should be aware of.

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer/Run Run Rudolf;    A poor animal is shamed and ostracized by his peers for a physical anomaly, then exploited when his handicap is deemed beneficial to the heavy handed sleigh driver.   Nothing to feel good about here.

Sleigh Ride and Jingle Bells:  Both of these popular songs implicitly endorse the enslavement of horses for entertainment in the name of holiday revelry.  Have we no shame?

The Christmas Song:  Where do we start? ‘Open Fires’ dump poisons into the air, which is destroying our planet. We couldn’t find any studies on the concentration of chestnut smoke in the atmosphere but it’s gotta be killing something somewhere.   We suppose ‘the Turkey’ could be a protected free-range bird was noticed in the woods, but it likely refers to something more nefarious that would horrify our PETA friends.  And that ‘mistletoe’ suggests the same kind of promiscuity that started this whole awakening.  We also object that it only applies ‘to kids from 1 to 92’.  It’s both arbitrary and heartless to exclude those 93 and above from good wishes, even if poorly expressed.

The Little Drummer Boy   We checked with the musicians union and they are pretty sure this child’s percussion performance violated some fundamental rights.  If he played his own arrangement he should get retroactive copyright royalties for every time this song has been played.  If he pirated someone else’s beats he should have given proper attribution.  Then there’s the whole child labor problem.  He should have been provided with counsel before this gig. In any case, we can no longer support a musical celebration of this exploitation.

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear:  This song romanticizes a time before man has polluted the planet and brought us to the edge of extinction from climate change.  There are no more clear midnights thanks to our manmade toxic atmosphere.  Might as well be called ‘Whistling Past the Climate Change Graveyard”.  How can we scare people into compliance with this kind of feel-good fantasy?

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year:  Pretty subjective, blatantly excluding anyone who likes spring summer or fall.  Let’s not build those walls.

Santa Baby/ I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:  Don’t even go there.

White Christmas: Racist

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen:   Sexist.

Grandma Got Run over By A Reindeer:  C’mon man.

 

We could go on but you get the point. The best way to make sure you aren’t offending someone this holiday season is to avoid Christmas music altogether.  Have some fruitcake and some eggnog if you must, but keep this good cheer nonsense to yourself.

We at DOHLT are proud to make this contribution for a better society.

P.S:  We were inspired by our respected colleagues at WUSSI who made a similar analysis of the NFL’s offensive team names.

http://truthgunner.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-new-politically-correct-nfl.html