Recent outrage over the disgusting, offensive, racist and bigoted name of the NFL’s Washington franchise has helped raise awareness of the insensitivity we foster under the guise professional competition. We at the World Unified Sports Sensitivity Institute (WUSSI) have decided it’s time to end these harmful practices and demand more socially acceptable terms and images for team nicknames, logos and mascots. We only hope a sudden and decisive turn from their exploitative ways will create a karma life-line for the souls of NFL franchise owners in the wake of their cruel and abusive history of insensitivity. We have analyzed the team nicknames in the NFL and published our findings below:
Washington Redskins – obviously racist and insensitive. This has been proven beyond all doubt by the media and a consensus of top university scientists around the world. We have DNA evidence for heaven’s sake. Nothing more needs to be said.
Kansas City Chiefs – See Washington Redskins above. Chiefs are Indians, and Indians are exploited, abused, victims. We might accept “Heroic Leaders of Victimized Indigenous Americans”, but only if 50% of the profits are donated to Native American reservations.
Dallas Cowboys – No groups is more responsible for the brutal, insensitive treatment “Redskins” and “Chiefs” than cowboys. Why don’t we just bring our 6-shooters to the game and blast away at our opponents? Surely we have evolved past these violent stereotypes by now. We might accept “Trustees of Livestock Management”, but then there’s that whole animal rights problem. We suggest avoiding the whole ‘wild west’ theme altogether.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Buccaneers were lawless pirates who preyed on Spanish traders in the 17th century. Needless to say, this is not the socially constructive image we want the NFL to convey.
Oakland Raiders – These are just Buccaneers without the cultural and historical reference. Same shameless aggrandizement of disrespect for others property and rights. Unacceptable.
Minnesota Vikings: Vikings are infamous for looting and pillaging weaker, peace-loving artisans simply because they are burly, violent guys with catapults, swords and hats with horns on them. Do we have to connect the dots to Adrian Peterson? We also find the ‘fat-lady’ reference offensive to our plus-sized fans. Time to bring it up to the 21st century.
New Orleans Saints: While the term “Saint” is not offensive in itself, it’s an implicit endorsement of a specific religious status. If you don’t nip this in the bud, we’ll have teams called “The Abusive Priests”,“The Infidels”, “The Jihadists”… before long we have ritualistic beheadings during tailgate parties in the parking lot. Let’s take the religion out of our professional sports and put it back in the closet where it belongs.
New York Giants: Nearly 100 cases of gigantism have been reported in the US. You wouldn’t think of calling your team “The New York Mutants” would you? I think we’ve made our point.
Atlanta Falcons, Philadelphia Eagles, Seattle Seahawks, Arizona Cardinals: Birds are our friends, not a class of animals to exploit for our amusement. Just because they have feathers doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. Who speaks for them?
Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears, Carolina Panthers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Cincinnati Bengals: Its sad that so many of nature’s majestic creatures have been abducted from their homes and imprisoned in zoos where we construct concrete and steel barriers to make us feel superior. It’s time we returned all big cats and predators back into the wild and let them reclaim their deserved place at the top of the food chain. Show some respect.
Miami Dolphins: Dolphins might be the smartest animals on earth. Did you know they communicate with each other? Someday we may evolve enough to learn their language and when we do, we’ll find out they’ve been saying “Please Stop Exploiting us”!
St Louis Rams: What’s the first image that comes to mind when you think of a ram? Right, a big, dominating male trying to head-butt everyone around him into submission. Do you want to explain to a weeping mother why her little kid is unconscious in the ER because some playground bully was trying to emulate his favorite team mascot??? We didn’t think so.
San Franciso 49ers; A reference to the gold rush of 1849, when prospectors uprooted their families from their loved ones and fled to California in search of riches. Multiple issues here: Have you ever seen a prospector who looks like he takes care of himself? And has good dental hygiene? Not the model we want for our kids. And it’s time we stopped romanticizing the blind greed of the gold rush era. A few prospectors got rich, but most became destitute. Greed, greed, greed. It’s time we shift from this capitalistic blitzkrieg toward riches and take a kinder, gentler approach toward our financial future. We think “Government Dependents” finds the right tone as a suitable replacement name.
New York Jets – Since the Vietnam war, Jets have been the source of more bombings and destruction than all the wars before them. Jets = death, destruction and senseless violence. What’s wrong with “Peacekeepers”? How about we start propping these up as our heroes instead of celebrating war machinery? Sheesh!
Buffalo Bills: While we appreciate a good play on words, “Buffalo Bill” refers to William Frederick “Buffalo Bill” Cody, who made himself famous by killing as many innocent American bison (aka buffalo) as he could. Need we say more?
New England Patriots: The NFL is trying hard to expand into Europe. We even played a couple games over in England to test the waters. A constant reminder of how their redcoat ancestors got their asses kicked 200 years ago isn’t good for business relations. Fix it now so we can all make money.
Cleveland Browns: We thought about colors for team names but ran into a couple problems. First, it limits the number of teams we could have in the league, although our Crayola consultant tells us they would be willing to grant the league licenses for at least 64 unique names if we take Fuchsia, Mauve and Periwinkle. But then some colors are just plan offensive- Who gets to be the “White” team? Then we have games where “Black” versus “Brown” and the whole thing gets ugly fast. Best to avoid colors altogether.
Indianapolis Colts: A colt is basically a child. We like the imagery of youthful exuberance, but we think children should be able to make their own choices instead of being shoved into a career path to fit society’s demands. Besides, most horses end up in glue factories which is the seamy underbelly of this whole equine industry. Nobody wants to pay a trillion dollars in damages because some YouTube clips surface of the team mascot being reduced to a bottle of rubber cement in Johnny’s classroom. Let’s head this one off now.
Denver Broncos: A Bronco is a wild, untamed horse of North America. The obvious reference is to capture, cage and ‘break’ the last symbol of independence to conform to the self-serving goals of big business, much like Native Americans have been captured and relegated to reservations in the name of US Imperialism. Did the Redskins case not teach us anything?
Houston Texans: Nothing particularly offensive about this, but we can’t allow any one team to claim unique rights to their state’s name. Isn’t Dallas also in Texas? And we already explained why they need a new team name. What if San Antonio or Austin wanted to add a franchise? Sorry Houston, you can’t claim the whole state for yourself.
Tennessee Titans: We couldn’t find anything wrong with the name “Titans”, other than the link to shady Greek Gods who frequently abused their power. Is that what this is about? The team owners of Mt Olympus deciding which of us mortals should have a future? We can’t really toss it out, but we’re sure a lawsuit is in there somewhere.
Pittsburgh Steelers, Green Bay Packers: These are teams named after the respective steel production and meat packing industries which were prevalent when the franchises were young. While this probably started as a way to galvanize community support, it excludes the hard working proletariat that falls outside of a single, golden profession. Surely Pittsburgh and Green Bay also have teachers, street sweepers, shop owners and dog catchers. Where is their team? And what about those not in the active workforce – on disability or a fixed pension/retirement income? Should we exclude them? Something along the lines of “Unified Supporters of Professional Football with Ties to the Larger Regional Area” might be more inclusive. We see the challenge getting that on a uniform, but we leave that to the graphic artists.
In summary, the NFL has a long way to go to show sensitivity to their fan base. Names are usually chosen based on some bias with excludes, offends or exploits one or more individuals. As a solution, we suggest dropping names and logos altogether and identifying teams with numbers. To avoid the argument over who should be “#1”, we will assign teams only consecutive prime numbers greater than 17. Team’s slots in the assignment process will be chosen by lottery. This is in the best interest of everyone and a great step forward for the professional sport we all love.
WUSSI is honored to have contributed to this NFL makeover.
Truthgunner 